Today is my day off and I mean MY DAY OFF. There will be no driving anyone anywhere, no looking after you and definitely NO listening to the same BS for the hundredth time. I am over the bronchitis that plagued me last week and the loss of someone very dear to me, and although that was expected and I was ready for it I did see my grief counselor twice just to get my mind around it . Going to have me a new experience or two today, going for lunch at my favorite Thai place after taking the cat to have her nails done after noon then hitting BFM for something for me, might go for a drive to Port Stanley just because I can. Definitely in a better mind set today and I am not letting anyone ruin that. Seems the only way to do that anymore is to be alone. And besides you never know what you may see or who you may meet along the way. Life is full of beauty and surprises if you just give them space to come into yours 🙂
During the past 6 mths I have been dealing with a lot of drama on a daily basis, none of it mine, after a tumultuous week I have decided to simply stop listening to it. We all have problems in our lives the difference is some of us grow up and find a solution instead of wallowing in all the pity we can leech out of others. Took me a while but I finally have and I have no wish to return to high school with you. Honestly if you are not willing to do anything about the issue SHUT THE FUCK UP about it. People really get sick of the same rants every single day over and over again, If your partners an asshole today and the love of your life tomorrow for the 100th time maybe give your head a shake. If the adult sibling living with you is a stone cold nutcase who is making your life hell there are shelters and again give your head a shake. If you are an alcoholic who wants me to help you for the nth time give your head a shake. Seriously folks get some professional help because crying to all and sundry is NOT going to solve your problems only YOU can. I did and now I have a decent job a nice place and am happy. When I go out which is a maybe bi-monthly occasion it isn’t to listen to the newest drama out there but to relax and have fun. I am making a few real changes, I am changing my social venue and I am going to be spending more nights alone with the tv. Why exactly would I invite you over again or out for a drink .. Time to turn you all off Peyton Place ffs. 🙂
I actually sat down last night to attempt to figure out why I am single and happy at the same time, like that’s a problem ? Actually I have always sought out a partner because I could not make myself happy, simple as that. Well the list I made made it clear to me that I should be happy, without a man in my life at all. I am 56 and working and have great friends and have finally accepted a lot of things in my life. My family is estranged and I expect no changes on that front at any time soon. My brother moved to a motel last night after 2 mths of not drinking or smoking, his first act was to order a case of beer and cigarettes, sigh, so sad for his choices. But I have dealt with like acts from my ex husband and 2 sons and have accepted that they choose their paths and he must choose his, without me and I am free to choose mine also knowing I did all I could and can now let go.
But of late I have chosen to better my life and forego the energy it has taken in the past to look after everyone else. This one action on my part has made me a much happier and self reliant woman and Yes that makes me happy. I have a lot to be thankful for and as the song says I have everything I need and Nothing that I don’t. 🙂
What it is like to be ME! Honestly I wish I was putting on a front or bragging or just making myself something I am not ! I do this every fucking day! Tonight I hit a gigantic wall, you see I am moving, with no help at all from anyone, working 10 hr days 4 days a week, 5 another and on the 6th driving friends to appts shopping etc that leaves me ONE , yes ONE day to pack, forward my services, go to all the freaking gov offices to change addresses but came to discover that I am supposed to put up with everyones BS and listen endlessly to their issues regardless of what I am dealing with…and if I ask for an ear I am whining or over-reacting , OK good to know, thanks for pointing that out to me….. And I am generally failing once again at looking after Me. I will as always get through this ALONE, because no matter how much people are THERE FOR ME, that really only means as much as they want to be and usually this means when they need something… and if that is all they are willing to give well maybe it is time I learnt about how much I should be giving… sorry but this is my life and I will continue to deal with it on my own as I am getting very very good at that ….BUT if I start saying NO and looking after me well I guess maybe you need to find someone else to lay your shit on or come up with solutions to your problems ……………….not the slightest bit sorry …………..I see myself becoming very selfish in the near future… honestly am starting to understand the logic of a hermits point of view of people in general.
Ok so this new year is bringing with it a lot of changes in my life, whether I like it or not. I am moving to a much deserved apartment on the main floor with a patio and so looking forward to it although I am as usual hating the packing lol. I had a mini stroke on Monday so the new apartment will be entirely NON-Smoking…I refuse to die as my mother did. I have recently been introduced to the benefits of Apple Cider Vinegar and Siberian Ginseng and am eating fresh veggies every day to improve my general health and see no reason to continue smoking. I am falling back on my old stand-by of herbal teas to boost my well being as well. I will continue with the current job until I feel I am stable enough in my financial and emotional situations to move on to something more challenging. The current job is merely a means to an end not a career and I want a career. I am currently researching becoming a paralegal and although I am not ready to make the leap to return to college right now it is my one long term goal. So wish me well with the changes I need to employ to make the future I want a reality 🙂
Since I wrote has been months. I have started a new full-time job and am moving to a larger main- floor apartment January 1st. But that is really inconsequential to my life as a whole because I always work and support myself and eventually find a suitable home for myself and Baggy. The biggest change has been my new nonacceptance of those who do not treat me well. I no longer give anyone a second chance in any aspect of my life. I have discovered that I am quite happy and becoming healthier now that I don’t worry about what any one else thinks nor do I put any one else’s needs above my own. I am open to meeting a man to share this life with but am not needing that in my life at this point. Maybe I am jaded by the romantic experiences of my past but if that is the case then that’s ok too. I am really liking my job as a cab driver because I am a contract driver which means I work as many or as little hours as I like. I usually work 4 10-12 hour days and enjoy the other three by filling my time with good friends, packing and looking after me. I am excited to be moving both because it is a much larger place with a patio and I can plant a garden next spring but also my best friend of 20 years will be right next door. We give and take equally and care and look after each other unceasingly we are really sisters in the best sense of the term. I have had a very tough year, thinking I lost a great life with a good man, but I now realize I lost nothing I cannot have on my own. The only thing I lost was the naivety I possessed and have now grown enough to know what I want and need and am able to give all that to myself without any man or any one for that matter becoming more necessary to me than I myself am.
Finally happy to be me 🙂