Everything I Need

I actually sat down last night to attempt to figure out why I am single and happy at the same time, like that’s a problem ? Actually I have always sought out a partner because I could not make myself happy, simple as that. Well the list I made made it clear to me that I should be happy, without a man in my life at all. I am 56 and working and have great friends and have finally accepted a lot of things in my life. My family is estranged and I expect no changes on that front at any time soon. My brother moved to a motel last night after 2 mths of not drinking or smoking, his first act was to order a case of beer and cigarettes, sigh, so sad for his choices. But I have dealt with like acts from my ex husband and 2 sons and have accepted that they choose their paths and he must choose his, without me and I am free to choose mine also knowing I did all I could and can now let go.

But of late I have chosen to better my life and forego the energy it has taken in the past to look after everyone else. This one action on my part has made me a much happier and self reliant woman and Yes that makes me happy. I have a lot to be thankful for and as the song says I have everything I need and Nothing that I don’t. 🙂

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Developing A Hermits Point of View

What it is like to be ME!  Honestly I wish I was putting on a front or bragging or just making myself something I am not ! I do this every fucking day! Tonight I hit a gigantic wall, you see I am moving, with no help at all from anyone, working 10 hr days 4 days a week, 5 another and on the 6th driving friends to appts shopping etc that leaves me ONE , yes ONE day to pack, forward my services, go to all the freaking gov offices to change addresses but came to discover that I am supposed to put up with everyones BS and listen endlessly to their issues regardless of what I am dealing with…and if I ask for an ear I am whining or over-reacting , OK good to know, thanks for pointing that out to me….. And I am generally failing once again at looking after Me. I will as always get through this ALONE, because no matter how much people are THERE FOR ME, that really only means as much as they want to be and usually this means when they need something… and if that is all they are willing to give well maybe it is time I learnt about how much I should be giving… sorry but this is my life and I will continue to deal with it on my own as I am getting very very good at that ….BUT if I start saying NO and looking after me well I guess maybe you need to find someone else to lay your shit on or come up with solutions to your problems ……………….not the slightest bit sorry …………..I see myself becoming very selfish in the near future… honestly am starting to understand  the logic of a  hermits point of view of people in general.

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New Year Changes

Ok so this new year is bringing with it a lot of changes in my life, whether I like it or not. I am moving to a much deserved apartment on the main floor with a patio and so looking forward to it although I am as usual hating the packing lol. I had a mini stroke on Monday so the new apartment will be entirely NON-Smoking…I refuse to die as my mother did. I have recently been introduced to the benefits of Apple Cider Vinegar and Siberian Ginseng and am eating fresh veggies every day to improve my general health and see no reason to continue smoking. I am falling back on my old stand-by of herbal teas to boost my well being as well. I will continue with the current job until I feel I am stable enough in my financial and emotional situations to move on to something more challenging. The current job is merely a means to an end not a career and I want a career. I am currently researching becoming a paralegal and although I am not ready to make the leap to return to college right now it is my one long term goal. So wish me well with the changes I need to employ to make the future I want a reality 🙂

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Been Forever….

Since I wrote has been months. I have started a new full-time job and am moving to a larger main- floor apartment January 1st. But that is really inconsequential to my life as a whole because I always work and support myself and eventually find a suitable home for myself and Baggy. The biggest change has been my new nonacceptance of those who do not treat me well. I no longer give anyone a second chance in any aspect of my life. I have discovered that I am quite happy and becoming healthier now that I don’t worry about what any one else thinks nor do I put any one else’s needs above my own. I am open to meeting a man to share this life with but am not needing that in my life at this point. Maybe I am jaded by the romantic experiences of my past but if that is the case then that’s ok too. I am really liking my job as a cab driver because I am a contract driver which means I work as many or as little hours as I like. I usually work 4 10-12 hour days and enjoy the other three by filling my time with good friends, packing and looking after me. I am excited to be moving both because it is a much larger place with a patio and I can plant a garden next spring but also my best friend of 20 years will be right next door. We give and take equally and care and look after each other unceasingly we are really sisters in the best sense of the term. I have had a very tough year, thinking I lost a great life with a good man, but I now realize I lost nothing I cannot have on my own. The only thing I lost was the naivety I possessed and have now grown enough to know what I want and need and am able to give all that to myself without any man or any one for that matter becoming more necessary to me than I myself am.

Finally happy to be me 🙂

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Hello

Hello

Haven’t spoken for long time but times have changed a lot in the last few months. I really didn’t want to talk, I was feeling to alone. But I recently realized actually just tonight that what I have been looking for for the last 56 years is a family. I honestly did not realize until tonight that that is the one thing I’ve never had that I’ve always needed that. I am sad and distressed to realize that even though I had six sisters and a brother and of course two parents I never had a family. I have no idea how I am missed this until now. I mean I knew that my sisters and I’m far from close but I have been trying to assist my brother for last four years same as I did my parents and until tonight I was really blind to why that wasn’t happening. You see after having a really heart to heart with him tonight I never knew how ridiculous I was being. I was expecting normalcy because I always thought I was the one that was fucked. After the night I have had it is not me. You see I have lost a lot of people and a lot of chances but I have always gotten back up and you know what I would really doubt that any of my sisters could do that so I’ve finally realized I am a strong person, and I will always be a strong person. I would hate, literally hate to see most of my sisters go through and I have because honestly I don’t think they could. The same as my brother they would give up, because no matter how much I told him tonight that he needed to just believe in himself he didn’t. While I do know that I will always rise above what ever bullshit tries to bring me down he doesn’t and he’s given up. So now I can’t do anymore for him. I have to stop doing everything for him until he realizes, only then can I help. I hate doing this but I need to stop so he can help himself. On the plus side I’m back to work and my life is looking up I just need to let go…. I may never find an actual family but I have friends who love me and maybe just maybe that’s all I need.. Here is for all those who love me, know I love you too and thank you for your love and support, don’t think it’s ever gone unnoticed. This is not gonna make a lot of sense to a lot of people but it makes perfect sense to me and I’m not going to look for that anymore I’m going look for what makes me happy what ever that is and to hell with family because my parents, my siblings and my children have proven that whether it’s my fault or theirs or no matter what I do to try to make up for my short comings it is not never going to make up for the past or mean I can be a happy person and at my age I need to stop counting on anyone else to make me happy. That’s up to me and I’m gonna do it, I’m not sure what that means but I’ll figure it out. I am sure one thing I did finally love me and that’s good enough for now

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I am finally awesome for me !

I am not one to ever say no to anyone but this is got to stop! For the last three months I have been looking after my brother who was a chronic alcoholic, he is only 49 years old but to look at him you would think he was 60. His arms and legs are covered in big black bruises which he keeps tearing open and I have to go bandage. His roommate is actually 79 years old and all they do is drink 24 hours a day I have cooked their meals, cleaned the house, done the laundry and went over to help pick his roommate up when he falls three times a week. His roommate is currently in the hospital again so I went over today and made him meals and cleaned the house including the blood left when his roommate fell and smacked is head on the toilet. And I once again tried to convince him to move out of there because as long as he lives there all he is going to do is drink. He phones me crying three times a week that he can’t deal with it anymore and he goes to the hospital at least once a week when he’s really drunk asking to be put in detox that he wants to quit drinking but they won’t do that so he goes home and drinks. I am currently looking at getting back to work within the week and he told me today that I can’t get a job because I need to be there for him. I saw my Dr. Last week who is also his Dr. and he asked me if I did not go through this 10 years ago with my parents. He told me I need to look out for myself but I have been that so ingrained with guilt that I just have the hardest time telling my brother I’m done. Like I said I tried tonight and all I got was crying and that I need to look after him. I told him I am going back to work fulltime and that although I will help all I can that in future that will be dependent on my needs first. He kicked me out, told me to go home that I obviously didn’t care about him. Logically I know I am dealing with a totally dependent person who has no inclination to look after them self. And I am going back to work fulltime and he will have to deal with it. It truly is time I looked after myself, not that I won’t look after those I love but I come first. I am sorry but I am 56 years old and honestly I deserve to be happy, healthy and at peace. I can no longer let him or anyone else be it from present, past or future dictate what I need. I know what I need, I need to work fulltime and I need my own space without interruptions or interference and that’s just the way it is. Sorry if this comes across as self deserving but guess what! That is all I’m gonna be any more, looking after me, myself and my needs. I come first and anyone else come second. I think I really have grown enough to say NO! No to other people’s needs before my own and no to putting anyone else first. I’ve done that for enough people in my life. So from now on its all about me 🙂 I’m happy with this decision ❤

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Solitude

I have realized that I am becoming an introvert. I have no reason to sit alone, reading, playing games, crocheting or watching TV but I do. I go for walks in the parks, woods or at the beach alone. I get invited out almost daily but most of the time I am happier in my own space, enjoying what I enjoy. Maybe it is because so many of my friends social lives depend on alcohol and I rarely drink anymore, no big life decision, I just don’t enjoy that lifestyle anymore. I have dated quite a lot the last six months but feel no need to get in any way close to any of the men I meet. My on-line profiles now stipulate “friends”, no romance or intimacy. I am also quite content with this and more often than not even avoid a friendly get together for coffee.  Funny since I have always been a very social person until now. Maybe I have just been let down too many times or maybe I am just evolving, trying to figure out who I am without being connected to others.

Anyway I am new to the whole being alone thing so maybe it is just normal to learn to enjoy ones own company. No longer needing the validation of others is freeing in a way. No more being judged by those who claim to care, nor being criticized for it. Having the time and energy to do what I truly want to do instead of being too exhausted to even think about it. All good reasons to stay right where I am for now at least. That may change, we will see………….for now I am going to go with the flow as they say and as long as I am happy I am not going to concern myself with outside forces.

I like my world and am liking myself (and spoiling myself) more every day. And regardless of the implications of this I am enjoying my solitude.

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