I am done… done being everyones fucking patsy out of guilt. I nursed my parents, my kids, helped numerous friends/lovers with their issues over the years and now I am supposed to help my brother too! So sick of the “Oh Liz will do it for me” attitude. I cannot have him calling sobbing because he is ill and I certainly will not have him move in with me, his alcoholism is killing him but I cannot change that !!! I had a friend who sent me the nastiest text message I have ever gotten a year ago ask me for help today !!! Really expected me to answer that ??? I had a heart attack while nursing my mother because my son broke his back and had to move in with me ! I worked at the nursing home full-time, went to mom and dads to set them up with what-ever they needed for the next day then went home to change his dressings and clean house and make my everyone damned dinner because my bf at the time was too involved with on-line poker to even do that ! It took the family doctor stepping in and insisting they get home care to lighten my load because I was too “guilty” to say no to them for anything.
Do you have any idea how much it hurts me to see you hurting ? Do you feel that for me ? I don’t think so ! So excuse me if I just don’t want to know anymore.
Well I am really fucking sorry but no one seems to notice that I am fucked! I am broke and alone and trying to work all I can and still can’t pay my own damned bills or buy food ffs ! Friends disappear when they don’t need anything and suddenly reappear when they do !! Not anymore ! I fucked my own life up I know that but really does that justify the lack of support I am getting ? I ALWAYS support you, if you ever need or want me I am always there ! I don’t judge or belittle your decisions, I am just there. I suppose I am asking for too much right?
I worked my ass off today lugging over 30 bags of yard waste to the curb and mowing lawns and will place edging in flower beds and rebuild a flagstone walkway tomorrow just so I can make my bills. I am depressed and exhausted and in pain because I am really too damned old for the work I am doing but I am doing it !!! Not because I want to but because I have to !!! Remember that ? Working and hurting for what you need ! I don’t even consider what I may want at this point I am struggling every day to get what I need !
On the bright side I will be OK just not giving of myself so much anymore………And if that makes me a bad person well add it to the list of shit I already feel guilty about !!! God knows that list is long enough….
Sorry for the rant but after all this is my blog !!!!