So Tired

I am tired all the time, so much so that even to sit here and type takes energy I feel I don’t have. Since December I have been trying every minute of every day just to get through the minutes. I have had some incredible successes but they are fleeting and the sadness sets in quickly again. I have finally given in and am on medication again for anxiety and depression as I am not sleeping nor eating right. The sadness is over my own imagined failures of course and no one person is to blame, not even me. I perceive that I fail at all aspects of my life therefore I feel guilt even though I know it isn’t true. NO one person can fail at a relationship of any kind, that takes two. And I accept my part in that I am responsible for not being the person they needed, not really my fault just a fact. But I still carry the guilt even though it is lessening each and every day. I don’t think of the past much anymore but focus on the future and that is terrifying for me. I have no idea when or even if I will function normally again. Right now I know I am not and that scares me too. I am taking all kinds of time to “get better” as they say so I am  hopeful for a the future even if it is a simple, calm life I will be happy with that. I have in the last month not attended book club but am still reading. I have begun making afghans again and find that good therapy as at least I accomplish something in the day. And I go out once a week although I only stayed out for less than an hour this week but at least I made myself go out. Most of my days are spent alone in my little apartment watching TV or reading. Baby steps are happening around here definitely no leaps and bounds. But I am getting there, I swore I would not let the depression get me again, because that is how it feels, like it gets me and takes control. And to some extent I am managing it so that too is a good thing. The pure exhaustion, constant body aches and loneliness are hard to deal with but I am dealing so that is good enough for now.

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About bettywins3

I am beginning life anew with a new job and home. It may be an exciting and challenging voyage but always it brings joy, happiness and calm. I am always seeking out knowledge where-ever I may find it , I love learning even the most mundane things, I love watching TED and surfing the net , I google anything I don't know no matter how trivial it may seem. Never too late to expand our horizons!
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