Good evening 🙂
As usual I’ve been thinking and thinking and I really shouldn’t. I got a response from my ad on line so I have a job starting tomorrow for three or four days. Pretty massive yard cleanup, not like I’ve never done that before so it’s a start. Hopefully word of mouth will get me more jobs. So things are looking up on the financial front. I’m still volunteering three mornings a week unless I have a paying job but they understand that and are grateful for me when I’m there. And I am thoroughly enjoying it, both the experience and the people so I won’t be giving that up anytime soon.
Today being my eldest son’s birthday, I ran into him downtown and spent an hour or so with him. Not ready to let him back into my life totally but not ready to totally give up on him either. So that is what it is.
On men, interesting subject to say the least. I know it’s over for good with the ex and that’s OK because no matter how bad it hurts and he’s not ever going to be the kind of man I need. I need a man who is stable and mature and responsible and knows how to be in a relationship not a man whose reliving his childhood and out for himself and no one else. He was definitely going through a major midlife crisis and really I’d don’t want a deal that. On the spur the moment he buys what ever he wants with no real thought about how he is going to pay for it and his debts are mounting and I don’t need to deal with that either. His past also proves that he’s willing to walk away from anyone that doesn’t serve him at the moment, even his children or wives. So it’s no wonder that he walked away from me without a second thought. Sadly some people are built like that, myself I don’t find that a blessing. Now maybe I was hanging onto that because I’m too scared to get into another relationship and trust somebody as much as I did him. The reason doesn’t really matter the truth is that emotionally I’m a mess, I’m sad, and alone, and I miss the life I thought we had terribly. Intellectually I know I’d be a mess anyway because living with mistrust and losing my self worth would’ve wore me down eventually anyway. So better to hurt now and get it over with then to hurt for the next who knows how many years. I’ve been there, done that and I watch friends do it every day. I’m willing to wait for what I need and in the end that might be me and only me and that too is what it is.
So I will continue to take some time every day to make me happy in between the job hunts and the money crunching and the worrying about things I can’t solve any way. I’m learning more and more not to stress over things I can’t control but I still do. I am eating and sleeping better and definitely have more positive moments than negative ones at this point. Practice makes perfect so maybe by the time I’m 90 I’ll be stress free. 🙂