Good morning 🙂
For the first time in my life I am going to sit here and toot my own horn. Not something I typically do as I have a tendency to downplay my positive side and achievements but what the hell.Listing my percieved successes may help me even if it is a boring read for you 😉
1. I am 55 years old and it wasn’t until I was probably 40 that I actually owned a computer and began playing some online games through which I met some very good friends from around the world who together realized I needed a better computer so they got together and bought me one. When it came in the box I was flabbergasted having no idea how to put it together. My good friend H.M. in Arizona stayed on the phone with me and talked me through putting it together and I built my first computer. Since then I’ve built my current machine and repaired or upgraded several of my friends’ computers. I’ve taken classes in Microsoft office an excel and I’ve worked on line for several big name companies in Canada. So although I have no formal training I became very proficient with computers and their use. I have an IQ of 134. Unfortunately I’ve wasted this for the most part because I had to support my children and didn’t have the time to further my education but that’s the story for a lot of women out there. We would do what we had to do and got on with it. Most people who know me tell me how smart I am, How I can adapt to any situation and learn things quickly and easily without a great deal of effort. And I know it’s true to a large extent.
2. I have also suffered from depression and for most of my life and for the longest time was treated with medication which I decided about four years ago wasn’t for me anymore and I have been dealing very well despite the illness that has plagued most of my adult life. I did a lot of research on different types of depression and self diagnosed myself with situational depression. In other words when something bad happens I can catastrophize it and make it way harder than it should be to deal with. This is changing slowly but surely as I learn new skills to handle bad situations. And it’s not something I’m going to learn overnight so I’m trying to have patience for the whole process. I know the doctors like to say that we’re all bipolar and need medication but I truly believe that isn’t true and I played the game too many years. On a day to day basis on fine, I have my up some downs but guess what that means I’m human not sick.
3. I was a registered practical nurse for some 20 years until I had a major breakdown and left the profession. Since then I’ve worked a variety of jobs ranging from taxi driver to online customer support and I’ve been unsatisfied with most of the jobs that I had and still looking for something that makes me happy as well as an giving me an income. For now I’m kind of an odd job girl who does everything from housecleaning to gardening to just giving people rides where they need to be and it’s paying the bills. Still would like to find that one fulltime job that will satisfy all my needs.
4. When I had my children I was in a very abusive marriage which led to be becoming a single mom but by the time I did the damage is done to my two boys. By the time they were 16 they decided to live with their father where there is no rules but just partying and good times. They both are now addicts who are in and out of jail on a regular basis and I used to feel very guilty about this. I don’t anymore because I realize they had the choice multiple times over the years to take my help and get them straight. That’s a battle are lost and I accept that and still love them even though I will no longer be an enabler to their behaviors. My youngest broke his back some 10 years ago and he now has rods and pins to hold his spine together but this did not deter his behavior at all, I was forced while looking after my parents to take him and his girlfriend in so that he could heal well enough to go back to their own apartment. My oldest was beaten so severely in the local jail that he lost his spleen and part of his liver and after being released from hospital I tried to take him home to heal but he found the percosets that were prescribed for his pain and took them all and so when I woke up to a very stoned happy patient I took him back to his father’s. I had made it clear that if he was coming to my house he was to stay clean and he could not do that. Over the years there have been many more such instances and I see myself as a success as a mother due purely to the fact that although I can’t have them in my life on a day to day basis I will always be there to try again the next time they attempt to rehabilitate themselves.
5. As a daughter I was always there for my parents and nursed mom for the last 1 1/2 of her life after her massive stroke left her a hemi-plegic and after she passed I saw my dad almost daily and for the last two months that he was alive nursed him as well. The morning he died I gave him his bed bath after working a 12 hour shift on nights and went home to get some sleep and I never saw him again. Even my own sisters of asked me why I did so much from them after there parenting fails as far as I was concerned and honestly I can’t explain the except to say that I needed to do it for me. Because I was not the easiest child and although I left home of 15 seeing me go through my first terrible marriage and really not being much of a support there for me mom quite adamantly pointed that out my mistakes to me until the day she died. And maybe I just felt some need to make up for the distress I had caused her.
6. As a woman and partner I can be pretty amazing most of time. When in a relationship I work fulltime, I cook, I clean, I decorate and plant flower beds, I grow food, I can down and freeze vegetables and fruit for us, I watch what ever you like on TV, I will sit and listen your stories on the porch for hours. I even have looked after and nurtured your children. I enjoy a great sex life and take the time to please my partner although I find that’s not usually reciprocated and I would never use sex is a weapon in a relationship as I see no reason to punish myself if you’re been a jerk. I love bike rides and classic cars and tractor pulls and most of all living in the country. I never was a city girl never will be. I’m more comfortable in tee shirts, blue jeans and cowboy boots but can wear a dress and heels that’ll knock your socks off! Basically I work a 20 hour day so you don’t have to. And you are going to want for nothing. But the one downfall is that I tend to neglect myself which makes it very easy for my partner to neglect me also. It gives me pleasure to look after my man so I never will stop doing that. That too has thankfully changed for me in that I now make sure my needs are met too.
When I look back on it I had a lot of regrets and it is taken me a good many years but I’m finally focusing not on my failures but seeing them as successes. I successfully survived the physical abuse from my father and emotional abuse from my mother, a very physically and mentally abusive first marriage and a short-lived second marriage, the disappointments of my children and having to give up my career. I use to look back on these as failures but I now see they are genuine successes. I have also survived several medical tragedies in that I had cervical dysplasia (stage 4 cancer) just before my first son was born and had to have a hysterectomy when I was just 28. I also had several miscarraiges. I’ve had two grapesfruit sized demoid cysts remove from my ovaries one when I was 22 and the other off the surviving ovary from the hysterectomy just after my second marriage when I was 35. When I was 45 or so I was diagnosed with both Graves disease and Hashimoto’s disease and will be on thyroid meds for the rest of my life.
So now at the ripe old age of 55 I’m finally going to live for me. I know what I can do and I’m going to do everything I can from no on to be happy. Whether that includes my family, my children or another relationship is negligible at this point because all and focusing on is me.