Good evening 🙂
I don’t often write in the evening’s but something’s been preying on my mind for days and I need to get it out. It’s this month, every year for a dozen years now I’ve dreaded the month of May. There are 3 days that distress me to no end. But let me explain a little bit to those who don’t know me or my story. Actually the people who know my story generally say things like “get over it” or “just forget it” and I wish I could, I really, truly wish I could. But I get depressed every year, although to be truthful this year so far isn’t so bad (fingers crossed)
1. I am estranged from my eldest son once again and his birthday is on the 19th, I have not celebrated a birthday with him for 18 years as he has been in jail every year and I refuse to visit him in prison. I was hoping to spend this year with him as last summer I tried to reconcile with him but as we all know that didn’t last. Although it’s not so difficult anymore not to have him in my life it is difficult to get through his birthday every the year. Remembering the times we had good birthdays until he was 12 and started on his criminal career. I did drop off the wolf afghan I made at the motel he is staying at so hopefully he got it, I did not see him personally but enclosed a card. I have not heard from him. I hope he likes it.
2. Mother’s day sucks for me as I was probably the worst mother in the world I failed terribly at that portion of my life. Although my daughter-in-law usually remembers, my youngest, her husband may not be too stoned to talk to me too.
3. My own mother passed away on the 10th of May 12 years ago (the day after mothers day that year) so can’t even celebrate for her anymore and I miss her twice as much due to the timing of her passing.
May is the the saddest month for me by far (even worse than Xmas) and in the past twice I have attempted suicide during this month…. not that I will ever do that again over these issues, or so I pray.
Anyway I am going to try harder than ever before to keep my shit together so pray with me that I do okay this year.
Enough whining 🙂 thinking positive 😀