Good morning 🙂
So it’s been a couple of days since I wrote anything and that would be because I’ve been pretty busy with the Easter weekend. Been doing a lot of baking and quite a lot of me time. I’ve been essentially figuring out a few things and I’m getting closer to my goals. There will be a few changes happening this week but I’m not going into it until something is final, I really don’t want to jinx it this time.
Just a little bit on friends, I’ve gained a few but I’ve also lost a few whether it be from my behavior or theirs doesn’t really matter at this point. I can change my behaviors and I am but I can’t change theirs. I’ve definitely learned who I can count on and it who only needs me when it’s convenient for them. Unfortunately they are gonna find out I’m not so convenient anymore. All I know I have said this in the past but for me and my own peace of mind I’m sticking to it this time. I’m getting quite used to being alone and not being able to count on anyone so that makes it all that much easier to cut them out of my life at this point. My entire life I’m the one who’s always been there no matter what’s going on in my life I’d jump when I’m called and do all I can. I’ve come to find out that that’s not necessarily of reciprocated trait. I’m learning to look after myself first, to keep my realm calm and stress free and I’m learning to like it. It’s come to the point where when I imagine certain people calling I can predict exactly on conversations going to go and there really is no benefit for either of us. It’s the same conversation, the same issue, the same problem and honestly I feel like just a recording pat answers them playing it back for them. I found more than a few people are either delusional or stupid and just don’t see that there’s anything wrong with the way they are repeating mistakes over and over again, my children included, but not only them.
As you know I’ve spent a lot of time in the last couple months working on my own issues and trying to sort out where I’m going. I have figured out that I have to stop trying to make things happen and just let them happen naturally. I’ve applied for many jobs and there’s really no purpose to stressing over that, one will come through eventually as it always does. Meeting new people is happening as is broadening my social base and I’m fine with that for now. As far as having people over for coffee are dinner and I’m not quite there yet. That will also happen in time once I’m trusting enough to let some one in again be it male and female on any level. Trusting anyone with anything more personal than a book review at this point just isn’t happening. This apartment is my home and my safe place and I’d don’t need any intruders here right now. Any and all social interactions will happen out there so I can come home and be safe and comfortable. Funny thing but until it was pointed out to me a couple of weeks ago I didn’t realize that “home” had not been a safe and secure place for me for a long time. And I’m not making any apologies about keeping my sanctuary to myself.
I have cut off all dealings with my son and his girlfriend and although I admit I was feeling guilty of that at first I quickly realized that if I’m gonna continue on a path where I’m going to heal and be OK again they needed to go. And unfortunately so to some other people, people who keep me in the past are of no benefit to me anymore in any way. I’m feeling good about the situation as it is and although it is a bit lonely I’m filling my friend void the best I can so that’s OK.