While it’s almost halfway through March I’ve accomplished quite a lot actually this year.
I’m making headway retraining my thought process. I am using relaxation and meditation techniques but I find when I go to bed at night my thoughts wander to places I don’t need to be. I did find last night that reading pretty much to a point where the I couldn’t keep my eyes open definitely helped so we’ll be using this technique and hopefully it improves. Stupidly I still wake up half expecting him to be there and of course he never is and he won’t be. One thing I have learned is that you can love somebody with every fiber of you being and if they don’t love you back its pointless. I’ve wasted a lot of time in the last three months, not crying but playing the would have, should have, could have game. Not doing that anymore. In truth the end the relationship was as much my fault as it was his because I needed more than he would ever be willing to give. And that’s OK. I’ve reached out to him, I’ve even at times begged him. I can’t believe now that I lowered myself that much that it actually embarrasses me.
I think the best thing for now is, like I said before is to just put that part of my life on hold and if it happens it happens if it doesn’t I’m going to immerse myself in to work, classes and friends. I know I’ve been a fool and in some way that’s OK. I know for fact I will not do it again, so that means I learned my lesson well and just like any school it’s time to move on to the next grade.
I am meeting new people, through friends, believe it or not at the library where I’m spending quite a bit of time researching and reading and funnily enough I walked up to Tim Horton’s the other day for coffee and found myself engaged in a very interesting conversation with a table of regulars when they ask my opinion about some local news event. So all in all it’s not so difficult to find belonging, acceptance and support. I still have great friends, not a lot of them but the few I have really count and will always be there for me.
They say the people from your past are a in your pass for a reason and I believe that. My head knows that so I just need to convince my heart of the fact. 🙂