So in the last three months since I’ve been single again I’ve been missing the relationship a lot, I miss sitting on the porch in the morning, bon fires at night, time together riding a motorcycle, day trips, even watching TV, shopping, anything we did together really. Funny but being Sunday morning I actually missed making him a big breakfast. Ironic the things we miss.I still think of him a lot, first thing in the morning and last thing at night but I am missing the man less each day… and in the long run that is a good thing.
I was seeking a new relationship and then I realized that’s not what I want right now.
I have always practice serial monogamy, I was first married to an abusive alcoholic at the age of 20 foR 13 years, a year after the divorce I remarried and that marriage lasted almost four years, when he decided he did want children after all and I cannot have any more children. I then went into and on again-off again seven year relationship in which I supported all his needs, emotionally, financially, and physically. I chose to leave that relationship. After that I was on again off again for two years with a man whom I later found out left his wife and three daughters with nary a word, just left. I could not deal with the man who could throw his family away with no remorse or regret. Finally I lived with a man I thought I’d spend the rest my life with for a year and half. Turns out that he was self absorbed, selfish, and controlling, he did reciprocate in its own way but after six months the affection dwindled, there was no more terms of endearment, asking what I might want, but all in all he didn’t love me in the way I need to be loved. And he knew that, he told me himself three months after we were living together, even down on one knee that on the back porch one morning expressing that he did love me and was sorry it was not the way I needed him to be but he would try hard to make me happy and that he wanted me to stay so I did. Its early days and I still miss what I thought I had but I’m realizing that I really didn’t have it after all.
But this week I took three days to just to think and to write and decided I’m going about this all wrong. I am 56 this year and I have never played the field, I’ve never dated several men at the same time I always put all my effort into a man, one at a time. I think it’s time for playing the field, give myself a chance to get to know what I want in a man. I mean like everyone else I know I want stability, honesty and for him to be faithful. I want someone to compliment my life not complicate it. I want someone who’s caring, generous, willing to compromise and I guess make me better as a person. Someone who truly gets that it takes two people giving and taking to make any relationship work. But really of what does that mean? Each man I was with had good qualities and bad. But not one of the put the effort into the relationship that I did. I tend to give 100% doing all I can to make his life easier, more enjoyable and just making sure he’s happy. Not one of the men I have been with returned the effort. I’m just not sure that’s out there for me.
So that’s it in a nutshell I’m going to take all the time I need to meet different men from different walks of life and find what I need, if that doesn’t happen then I’ll be fine just playing the field. Enjoying companionship without the intimacy. I will miss having a sexually intimate aspect to my life as it is definitely a part of any good relationship but believe that is something for a committed union, not casual dating. I really do believe that there is someone for everyone but I’m not sure of the possibility that I will ever meet that man. I can stay single and be happy. I realize that now. I have the rest of my life to be happy and I plan on doing just that.
As usual feedback and insights are always welcome.