Funny but more than one conversation I have had recently made me ponder why many of us give our exe’s way too many chances. I know from experience I am not the only one as many I know do it again and again. What was it Albert Einstein said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” And I am right to understand he was a brilliant man. So now to ponder the “why” of that situation. For me it was I suppose I felt that I had failed them somehow and my self-esteem was not what it should have been at the time. After much reading of other blogs this morning I don’t think that is entirely true of me. I am a “fixer” and hate when I cannot fix anything. And my exe’s have definitely been fixer uppers, for the most part unemployed, addicted, narcissistic personalities who feel entitled to everything they never worked a day for. And I don’t mean just a job, I also mean the work that goes into building a loving and lasting relationship, with anyone at all, be it their partner, parents, children or however sporadically their co-workers. They were also good at preying on women like me, damaged, low self-esteem and pretty gullible to say the least. And I am sure they will continue to do so.
I will share my history on this point to support my current understanding: I must have left my first husband 30X in the 14 yrs we were married before I finally did but then he was the father of my children and (I was working way too much, and was too immature in my expectations, and God forbid I prove my mother right) to leave. Excuses I know but that is all I have to support why I did that.
My second husband was a no- brainer, he cheated I threw him out end of story, no second chances there as he moved in with and eventually married the woman he cheated with.
The third long-term partnership I have lasted 7 years on and off and we separated with alarming regularity, each time I pushed for him to get a job he left, and I allowed his return because I had a lot of family BS going on and was working two full-time jobs and suppose I needed some kind of support even if it was fake. So I supported him financially in the effort to receive some emotional support in return.
After that I was alone for 5 years until I met the ultimate fixer-upper, omg that man is a disaster on two feet, but again I gave him a second chance….only one in the 2 yrs we were together (with a 6 mth separation in that period).
So now I sit still pondering the inevitable break-up after the make-up and will I am sure continue to watch friends do this again and again. I however will not. I now know that if you cannot BOTH make the relationship work ONE of you never will. I suppose I have either matured beyond basing relationships purely on emotion and the physicality or else I have went insane. I am not the same weak person they were able to get around with lies and deception, but neither am I untrustworthy and judgemental as I see with others at my age. I still believe that there are good, honest and caring men in the world and they are not any more un-hurt by their past as we are ours. And they are searching for the same thing we are. Mutual love and respect, not a free ride or a mommy. Which ever it is I hope I can sustain any future partnerships with mutual love, respect and caring and NOT the need to “fix” anyone. I have started seeing such a man, one who is honest and straight-forward, caring and attentive, who also knows I am NOT perfect and doesn’t expect me to be. I also realize the same of him. It is a new experience for me and one I hope to continue for some time. Someone said to me not too long ago that spending time with a person because you want to and not because you need to are two different things, I get that now.
So I would like to welcome any and all feedback and/or experiences from my followers as to their take on the issue. Thank you all for writing what I can learn and grow from. It is invaluable as I move through this time in my life.