So yesterday I had to leave work begging off a sore eye socket because of the biopsy on Wednesday, and while that was true the actual reason was that I just could not handle the calls re: “flowers in the room for mom” or “I would like to buy mom a spa treatment while she is there”….yes sad but Mothers Day is the most depressing week of my life. My mom has been gone 10 yrs today and I never went to see her that Mothers Day as I had worked a double shift and said I would go the next day and make it up to her, she died early that morning so I never saw her alive again.
And my sons barely think of me the rest of the year so definitely do not go out of their way on Mothers day, if they are not in jail, drugged out or dead that is, I never know where or how they are. And my Ken turns 30 on the 19th, that will make 18 birthdays I have missed with him….
So from either perspective the day sucks for me. It is just a day for my brain to take over and brood on the many regrets I have but can never make up for. So I try to stop crying and try like hell to function half-assed normally, but still I have not quite made it to a place where I can. I will one year just it seems not this one. Still it is not the “suicide” month it once was so things are not so bad and I appear to better handle dealing with the whole ordeal, but it is like it all happened yesterday for me still. I will be a little better every year until one day I can remember and smile at the good times instead of cry over the bad….
I hope every single person who has the privilege to enjoy the day for all the joy it can bring embraces it to the fullest, while it may be stressful and not ideal it is better to muddle through now than missing one tedious, tension filled, but very special day with loved ones and living with the regrets every year after …..trust me it will be worth it ❤