To say I am sad is a definite understatement. I admit that last night I was almost suicidal, almost because I cherish myself even it those I love don’t. It was a little scary to say the least that I would even consider this alternative. I am stronger than that! And I know regardless of my present situation my life will get better. I know I am lonely as hell but will not let that set my life’s path.
My sons are off the grid, my parents are both deceased, my family could care less. Yes most of these situations are self-inflicted but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
My sons cannot be in my life because their lifestyles are taking them on a road to self-destruction and I will not witness that. they are both addicts who have no urge to change and survive, I guess they did not inherit anything from me at all but they sure as hell have all their dads shortcomings. I miss them dearly.
My parents are missed daily so nothing new there, and even though the season brought it’s share of family disputes I would give anything for one more Christmas row at their place.
My siblings have their own families and gave up on me years ago. I wish them all a safe and happy holiday season.
I am effectively taking this week off from social settings altogether and am going to take a mini-me-holiday instead of everyone else’s festive idea of the season. I will no doubt be writing a lot and thinking a lot and making some “carved in stone” decisions about my life and the goals I need to reach to get it on track, no back sliding and no questions about it for me anymore. I am too damned old to continue with any path that does not benefit me.