I Am Becoming cold

I have never posted twice in one day before but can’t seem to stop writing today. I have always been the type of person who gives too much, to every one, any time I can. I have literally given someone my last 5 bucks. The last week or so I have been very melancholy and could not fathom why,after being let down by more than one person today it hit me. I got called a self-centered, selfish bitch last night. That is definitely the last thing I am or have ever been. I tend to put others first and often neglect myself in the process, this gets me walked on an awful lot. Well I have gotten rid of most of those type of people, those who only call when they need something but who are never around or busy when you do, you know the type. I find I am going out of my way to avoid forming new friendships at all now a days. I go to my clubs and although I get asked to go for coffee I kindly refuse, siting fictitious reasons not to usually needing to rush back to work. Well until today I did not even realize I was doing this and it makes me sad that I am. I have always been so out-going and friendly but I find myself becoming more and more withdrawn lately. Have I really been hurt that much? Enough to make me just not want to let people in anymore? I would hate to think that is the case but I have to admit I think it is. No matter how much I have been told through-out my life to stop caring about others so much I couldn’t seem to achieve that. Maybe it is the lack of compassion and the feelings of alienation I grew up with that I have carried with me all my life that I really need to deal with. And I am NOT going to find it by being the kind and giving person I have always tried to be. I suppose that this vent will help me work out the truth of the matter and if that is all  it does then so be it , I have gained yet more insight into the mind that is “ME”.  I have completely withdrawn from the world before, once for over a year, I did not even leave my apartment and that was bad, I truly do not want to go there again, so I will keep going to my clubs and hopefully somehow get back to being the person I love and not this cold woman I am becoming. I have no self-esteem left and certainly no sense of self-worth, except when it comes to what I can do for someone else. I need to learn to do for ME and make myself happy and quick.

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About bettywins3

I am beginning life anew with a new job and home. It may be an exciting and challenging voyage but always it brings joy, happiness and calm. I am always seeking out knowledge where-ever I may find it , I love learning even the most mundane things, I love watching TED and surfing the net , I google anything I don't know no matter how trivial it may seem. Never too late to expand our horizons!
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2 Responses to I Am Becoming cold

  1. RedeuxBill says:

    Betty,
    You cannot make yourself happy. Happiness is possible only when one is at peace.
    Do not concern yourself about who is reading your blog. Don’t think that you have to “do” for others, especially if you think it will give you self-esteem or make you appreciated.
    Try to just be still. Avoid excessive distractions. Avoid friction. Go for a walk and “see” what is all around you: beauty.
    Lastly, you know that you have “self-esteem”. The problem may be that you feel unloved or without value. If so, you could not be more wrong.
    Tomorrow, try going out for a coffee. Then, do one positive thing for a stranger: a smile, compliment a woman on her outfit, hold a door for someone. Anything. Then tell us what happened.
    Rooting for you,
    Bill

    • bettywins3 says:

      Ty Bill I believe you to be right and I will do as you suggest, maybe if I start posting positives as well as the bad feelings that will help. I will do that
      Thanks for the support, I have no one else right now
      Liz

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