Ok so I have cancelled this weekend, I cannot bring myself to go away right now with so many people in my life hurting, or maybe that’s and excuse. Anyway much to his chagrin I am not going. We talked at length and he is ok with my decision as he understands that my family and friends are important to me and they really do need me right now. I have 2 sick friends and my brother also and just found out that my youngest son has graduated from crack to meth, all of which has occupied my thoughts too much lately for me to truly enjoy the weekend for what it was to be for us. In a way I am sad about it but on the other hand I am also feeling relieved.
I have also been thinking lately of the way that I almost degrade myself to make men feel better about themselves, i.e. with J.V. I used to pretend I could not think of a word or find something in a game we were playing or outright lose (if I won too much he would not want to play anymore) thus raising his self-esteem a little or so I hoped. I was thinking of it because I realized that I do not ever do that with my new paramour. That feels good, he is a good sport and will continue to play just for the enjoyment of the game, as do I. This is one of the reasons I am even giving him a chance to be in my life so much. Plenty of others find themselves without a chance after only a few hrs spent together. Sadly I have learnt how to spot dishonest and immaturity among other down falls very quickly. He also NEVER asks anything of me except my time and is always the perfect gentlemen, opening doors and pulling out chairs. The compliments are very genuine and I know this because he will also state when something I wear, do or say is not becoming of me. Somehow I wish I could just fall in love with him but I suppose that is also part of my maturing beyond the need to have a man in my life and now that is a choice and not a longing.
Anyway will see him tomorrow anyway as he says he cannot go without seeing me the whole weekend and that he will wait to go away until I am ready for it. He is quite the man, unlike any I have ever met actually.