Solitude

I have realized that I am becoming an introvert. I have no reason to sit alone, reading, playing games, crocheting or watching TV but I do. I go for walks in the parks, woods or at the beach alone. I get invited out almost daily but most of the time I am happier in my own space, enjoying what I enjoy. Maybe it is because so many of my friends social lives depend on alcohol and I rarely drink anymore, no big life decision, I just don’t enjoy that lifestyle anymore. I have dated quite a lot the last six months but feel no need to get in any way close to any of the men I meet. My on-line profiles now stipulate “friends”, no romance or intimacy. I am also quite content with this and more often than not even avoid a friendly get together for coffee.  Funny since I have always been a very social person until now. Maybe I have just been let down too many times or maybe I am just evolving, trying to figure out who I am without being connected to others.

Anyway I am new to the whole being alone thing so maybe it is just normal to learn to enjoy ones own company. No longer needing the validation of others is freeing in a way. No more being judged by those who claim to care, nor being criticized for it. Having the time and energy to do what I truly want to do instead of being too exhausted to even think about it. All good reasons to stay right where I am for now at least. That may change, we will see………….for now I am going to go with the flow as they say and as long as I am happy I am not going to concern myself with outside forces.

I like my world and am liking myself (and spoiling myself) more every day. And regardless of the implications of this I am enjoying my solitude.

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Sounds Like Class — Kevin Barrett’s Blog

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Love is content with the present, it hopes for the future, and it does not brood over the past. […]

via Sounds Like Class — Kevin Barrett’s Blog

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I Am A Mess

True I am an unmitigated mess:

I am only working part-time, but my bills are paid.

I am single again and I am loving dating with no strings.

I have written off my sons, and I am at peace with that.

I have hurt, but I am healing and that is one thing I always do.

I am creative once again, crocheting and reading and I am thankful for the time.

I am becoming healthier than I have been in years and I am feeling fantastic.

I am indulging myself instead of others, and I am deserving of that.

I am looking to the future and the past is just that, the past.

I may not be where I want to be and I know I will get there in time.

I am a mess and I am a content and happy mess !

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Desperate Times

Desperate times call for desperate measures!

And in my life these are desperate times to be sure. After much soul searching and observation I have come to the conclusion that I need a whole new mind-set and that is not something I am not ever going to get if I keep my life as it is now. I have “dropped” some friends from my life, actually most of them have been removed from social media sites also. I am not going to heal if I keep the scars open so time to close them for good. I am no longer drinking and not missing it, which quite frankly surprises me. I have had the same “friends” for a long time now, up to 20 years some of them and that is no longer the life I want. One that revolves around a little brown bottle. I am thankful finally for the year I had with M.S. because I was the happiest I had ever been. (But his life too centered around the bottle.)The fallout afterwards was the worst ever too. (Reality cannot live up to the fantasy) I am not interested in finding a man to spend my life with anymore nor the shallow acquaintances I called friendships for so long. The past is the past. I need more social outlets and I know this… and I know I can do this too. I just need to find my muse and ways to express myself in more positive times.

So I move on, first with the volunteering but after my shift tomorrow I am seeking out new and more productive contacts about town. I will start at the library as they have to resources I need for the research into building the life I want. I need to fill my life with positive energy! I need to find what makes me happy outside these 4 walls. I have my reading, crocheting and tv shows but I need to leave the house and fill my life again. Also fingers still crossed for a job in town soon!

So I guess this is just a catch-up note letting you all know that my healing is almost complete and these last few months that I have spent de-toxing my mind and body are paying off. And by filling the void with healthier options for my future it won’t be taking too much longer. I do realize that some days I am barely able to get out of bed, lack of sleep, and not eating right go a long way to holding me back. But I am going to eat better and am using guided imagery to assist with the insomnia, caused mostly by dreams of what if’s.  There-fore I need somewhere to go so I have the motivation to simply get dressed in the mornings. So wish me luck as although I know I can do this, a little luck never hurt anybody.

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Cold

I am fast becoming cold. Within one hour tonight I had 2 people call me for help and earlier another messaging me because he once again needs help with his computer, people who are not there for me but repeatedly call on me for help. I said NO to all of them and I surprisingly don’t feel the least bit guilty. I am so damned sick of this shit. I am sick, alone and tired, so tired. Fighting alone to get myself a life only to get dragged back down to look after someone else’s BS. Well sorry to say but I am going to be alone, lonely and selfish AND I am going to get my life back! So fuck anyone who doesn’t like that, it’s the way it has to be, finally I am truly looking after me and if that seems cold to you I am not sorry in the least. I have tried to be positive and rebuild my life but still let you keep me down….no more. I am living for ME. Deal with it ! If you want to be in my life GREAT ! But know it is give and take from here on in….not give and get shit on! I am praying I get this job I interviewed for last week and NO I am not dating in any shape or form…. not strong enough for that at this point… I just need to look after ME. And if I need to become COLD then so be it. Not sorry for this post in any way…. I need it and that is all that matters anymore. Would be a perfect world if those who took gave back but if I have learned anything these last months it is that it is NOT a perfect world, far from it and if I am to get anything I have to stop giving so much of myself to others. I need what little strength and energy I have for myself.

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There Is Someone Out There Who Will Never Ask You To Change For Them — Thought Catalog

marcobertoliphotographyThis is not a guarantee that there is someone out there for you. I do not have the power nor the omniscience to be able to promise you that. But it is a promise that you will always deserve better than to settle for someone who is incapable of loving you as you are. It…

via There Is Someone Out There Who Will Never Ask You To Change For Them — Thought Catalog

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Just A Pure D Rant

I am done… done being everyones fucking patsy out of guilt. I nursed my parents, my kids, helped numerous friends/lovers with their issues over the years and now I am supposed to help my brother too! So sick of the “Oh Liz will do it for me” attitude. I cannot have him calling sobbing because he is ill and I certainly will not have him move in with me, his alcoholism is killing him but I cannot change that !!! I had a friend who sent me the nastiest text message I have ever gotten a year ago ask me for help today !!! Really expected me to answer that ??? I had a heart attack while nursing my mother because my son broke his back and had to move in with me ! I worked at the nursing home full-time, went to mom and dads to set them up with what-ever they needed for the next day then went home to change his dressings and clean house and make my everyone damned dinner because my bf at the time was too involved with on-line poker to even do that ! It took the family doctor stepping in and insisting they get home care to lighten my load because I was too “guilty” to say no to them for anything.

Do you have any idea how much it hurts me to see you hurting ? Do you feel that for me ? I don’t think so ! So excuse me if I just don’t want to know anymore.

Well I am really fucking sorry but no one seems to notice that I am fucked! I am broke and alone and trying to work all I can and still can’t pay my own damned bills or buy food ffs ! Friends disappear when they don’t need anything and suddenly reappear when they do !! Not anymore ! I fucked my own life up I know that but really does that justify the lack of support I am getting ? I ALWAYS support you, if you ever need or want me I am always there ! I don’t judge or belittle your decisions, I am just there. I suppose I am asking for too much right?

I worked my ass off today lugging over 30 bags of yard waste to the curb and mowing lawns and will place edging in flower beds and rebuild a flagstone walkway  tomorrow just so I can make my bills. I am depressed and exhausted and in pain because I am really too damned old for the work I am doing but I am doing it !!! Not because I want to but because I have to !!! Remember that ? Working and hurting for what you need ! I don’t even consider what I may want at this point I am struggling every day to get what I need !

On the bright side I will be OK just not giving of myself so much anymore………And if that makes me a bad person well add it to the list of shit I already feel guilty about !!!  God knows that list is long enough….

Sorry for the rant but after all this is my blog !!!!

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