Not sure where to go from here. I have been repairing a lot of damage done to myself over the last 57 years but some days still feel the scars. And that makes it hard even though I realize there may never be a day I don’t have some hurtful memory I am learning to live with them. Experience the moment and let it pass. Hoping to eventually master that skill.
Seriously I have a decent job that I like and a great place to live, a new car and a room-mate who is tolerable and I don’t really want for anything. I guess you could say my life is comfortable. But I want to be healthier and happier in my own skin. I have put on weight since I began eating properly (which was expected) unfortunately my exercising has not kept up so hence the inevitable outcome. I don’t obsess over body image at my age but do wish to look my best. And I am not at my best at the moment . I am making efforts, I purchased a treadmill, which I can enjoy while watching TV in the comfort of my own home. I get very bored with any of the exercise programs I have tried and there-for discontinue them rather quickly. I will pick up the treadmill next Thursday and will keep you abreast of the progress with that.
Other than this one failing all my other goals have been met. I am happier than I have ever been because I do not sit around brooding anymore. I have learned to not over-think and obsess over that which I cannot control and am getting to a lot more new and exciting places. I get lonely for the company of a man but to be honest really don’t want a partner at this time at all. I like being me and I lose that somehow when involved in a relationship.
I am concentrating on me and what I need day by day, whether that be a long drive to new destinations or cooking/baking wonderful things for my co-workers and friends I am doing exactly what I want to do every day now…not what is expected of me and just stating that makes me smile. My days are rather routine, up by 5 am shower, dress and head out (the destination is never the same except on work days) then home dinner and an early night with a good book or movie. And I like having a routine that works for me again.
So on with the journey and if anyone has any clues to help this 57 yr old, damaged piece of art please feel free to pass them along.
So I haven’t been here for quite some time and there are lots of reasons, or rather excuses that I can use for that. I could blame the new job, the loneliness or the lack the of motivation but the last excuse is probable the most fitting.
I have made a lot of promises to myself over the last couple of years and have kept very few of them. I have not gotten healthier, thinner or prettier. But I have become happier so that is something.
I am a more independent thinker now than I have ever been in my life. I no longer need to be part of a couple and am finding that I can exist solely on my own. I have left a lot of people by the wayside and that is a good thing, I have learned that my principles are important and so are my needs. That no longer includes enabling friends or family at the expense of myself.
What I need help with is doing all I need to do to get where I want to be. I need to be healthier and that means eating better and exercising more. That needs motivation and that is something I have never possessed. So will be spending time finding that with a lot of on-line research and soul searching. I know that I obviously don’t feel enough for myself to make it worth the effort. That is what I need, how to do that is another thing altogether.
So I suppose I start a new journey, hopefully one that ends more successfully than those of the past. If anyone has links or advice or really anything that could help pls share, I need all the help I can get.
So February began with a bout of bronchitis causing me to take a few days off to get better.
Then a couple of weeks ago I took a fall breaking my arm and orbital bone. Another 3 days off.
Now I have a stomach flu complete with vomiting, diarrhea, fever and chills. That means more days off.
This doubly sucks as I love the job not just the money. I just want to have my quiet little life back.
I have never in my life been injured/sick so much. I typically get bronchitis twice a year as I am a smoker. But I have not had a broken bone for some 25 years and I never get the flu. To top it off the fact that I am truly alone is fore-front on my mind….. sigh. This fact unfortunately is causing me to have to stave off my old enemy depression at a time when I am definitely at my weakest.
I will survive I know that but really??? Can it stop now?
Today is my day off and I mean MY DAY OFF. There will be no driving anyone anywhere, no looking after you and definitely NO listening to the same BS for the hundredth time. I am over the bronchitis that plagued me last week and the loss of someone very dear to me, and although that was expected and I was ready for it I did see my grief counselor twice just to get my mind around it . Going to have me a new experience or two today, going for lunch at my favorite Thai place after taking the cat to have her nails done after noon then hitting BFM for something for me, might go for a drive to Port Stanley just because I can. Definitely in a better mind set today and I am not letting anyone ruin that. Seems the only way to do that anymore is to be alone. And besides you never know what you may see or who you may meet along the way. Life is full of beauty and surprises if you just give them space to come into yours 🙂
During the past 6 mths I have been dealing with a lot of drama on a daily basis, none of it mine, after a tumultuous week I have decided to simply stop listening to it. We all have problems in our lives the difference is some of us grow up and find a solution instead of wallowing in all the pity we can leech out of others. Took me a while but I finally have and I have no wish to return to high school with you. Honestly if you are not willing to do anything about the issue SHUT THE FUCK UP about it. People really get sick of the same rants every single day over and over again, If your partners an asshole today and the love of your life tomorrow for the 100th time maybe give your head a shake. If the adult sibling living with you is a stone cold nutcase who is making your life hell there are shelters and again give your head a shake. If you are an alcoholic who wants me to help you for the nth time give your head a shake. Seriously folks get some professional help because crying to all and sundry is NOT going to solve your problems only YOU can. I did and now I have a decent job a nice place and am happy. When I go out which is a maybe bi-monthly occasion it isn’t to listen to the newest drama out there but to relax and have fun. I am making a few real changes, I am changing my social venue and I am going to be spending more nights alone with the tv. Why exactly would I invite you over again or out for a drink .. Time to turn you all off Peyton Place ffs. 🙂