Haven’t spoken for long time but times have changed a lot in the last few months. I really didn’t want to talk, I was feeling to alone. But I recently realized actually just tonight that what I have been looking for for the last 56 years is a family. I honestly did not realize until tonight that that is the one thing I’ve never had that I’ve always needed that. I am sad and distressed to realize that even though I had six sisters and a brother and of course two parents I never had a family. I have no idea how I am missed this until now. I mean I knew that my sisters and I’m far from close but I have been trying to assist my brother for last four years same as I did my parents and until tonight I was really blind to why that wasn’t happening. You see after having a really heart to heart with him tonight I never knew how ridiculous I was being. I was expecting normalcy because I always thought I was the one that was fucked. After the night I have had it is not me. You see I have lost a lot of people and a lot of chances but I have always gotten back up and you know what I would really doubt that any of my sisters could do that so I’ve finally realized I am a strong person, and I will always be a strong person. I would hate, literally hate to see most of my sisters go through and I have because honestly I don’t think they could. The same as my brother they would give up, because no matter how much I told him tonight that he needed to just believe in himself he didn’t. While I do know that I will always rise above what ever bullshit tries to bring me down he doesn’t and he’s given up. So now I can’t do anymore for him. I have to stop doing everything for him until he realizes, only then can I help. I hate doing this but I need to stop so he can help himself. On the plus side I’m back to work and my life is looking up I just need to let go…. I may never find an actual family but I have friends who love me and maybe just maybe that’s all I need.. Here is for all those who love me, know I love you too and thank you for your love and support, don’t think it’s ever gone unnoticed. This is not gonna make a lot of sense to a lot of people but it makes perfect sense to me and I’m not going to look for that anymore I’m going look for what makes me happy what ever that is and to hell with family because my parents, my siblings and my children have proven that whether it’s my fault or theirs or no matter what I do to try to make up for my short comings it is not never going to make up for the past or mean I can be a happy person and at my age I need to stop counting on anyone else to make me happy. That’s up to me and I’m gonna do it, I’m not sure what that means but I’ll figure it out. I am sure one thing I did finally love me and that’s good enough for now

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I am finally awesome for me !

I am not one to ever say no to anyone but this is got to stop! For the last three months I have been looking after my brother who was a chronic alcoholic, he is only 49 years old but to look at him you would think he was 60. His arms and legs are covered in big black bruises which he keeps tearing open and I have to go bandage. His roommate is actually 79 years old and all they do is drink 24 hours a day I have cooked their meals, cleaned the house, done the laundry and went over to help pick his roommate up when he falls three times a week. His roommate is currently in the hospital again so I went over today and made him meals and cleaned the house including the blood left when his roommate fell and smacked is head on the toilet. And I once again tried to convince him to move out of there because as long as he lives there all he is going to do is drink. He phones me crying three times a week that he can’t deal with it anymore and he goes to the hospital at least once a week when he’s really drunk asking to be put in detox that he wants to quit drinking but they won’t do that so he goes home and drinks. I am currently looking at getting back to work within the week and he told me today that I can’t get a job because I need to be there for him. I saw my Dr. Last week who is also his Dr. and he asked me if I did not go through this 10 years ago with my parents. He told me I need to look out for myself but I have been that so ingrained with guilt that I just have the hardest time telling my brother I’m done. Like I said I tried tonight and all I got was crying and that I need to look after him. I told him I am going back to work fulltime and that although I will help all I can that in future that will be dependent on my needs first. He kicked me out, told me to go home that I obviously didn’t care about him. Logically I know I am dealing with a totally dependent person who has no inclination to look after them self. And I am going back to work fulltime and he will have to deal with it. It truly is time I looked after myself, not that I won’t look after those I love but I come first. I am sorry but I am 56 years old and honestly I deserve to be happy, healthy and at peace. I can no longer let him or anyone else be it from present, past or future dictate what I need. I know what I need, I need to work fulltime and I need my own space without interruptions or interference and that’s just the way it is. Sorry if this comes across as self deserving but guess what! That is all I’m gonna be any more, looking after me, myself and my needs. I come first and anyone else come second. I think I really have grown enough to say NO! No to other people’s needs before my own and no to putting anyone else first. I’ve done that for enough people in my life. So from now on its all about me🙂 I’m happy with this decision❤

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I have realized that I am becoming an introvert. I have no reason to sit alone, reading, playing games, crocheting or watching TV but I do. I go for walks in the parks, woods or at the beach alone. I get invited out almost daily but most of the time I am happier in my own space, enjoying what I enjoy. Maybe it is because so many of my friends social lives depend on alcohol and I rarely drink anymore, no big life decision, I just don’t enjoy that lifestyle anymore. I have dated quite a lot the last six months but feel no need to get in any way close to any of the men I meet. My on-line profiles now stipulate “friends”, no romance or intimacy. I am also quite content with this and more often than not even avoid a friendly get together for coffee.  Funny since I have always been a very social person until now. Maybe I have just been let down too many times or maybe I am just evolving, trying to figure out who I am without being connected to others.

Anyway I am new to the whole being alone thing so maybe it is just normal to learn to enjoy ones own company. No longer needing the validation of others is freeing in a way. No more being judged by those who claim to care, nor being criticized for it. Having the time and energy to do what I truly want to do instead of being too exhausted to even think about it. All good reasons to stay right where I am for now at least. That may change, we will see………….for now I am going to go with the flow as they say and as long as I am happy I am not going to concern myself with outside forces.

I like my world and am liking myself (and spoiling myself) more every day. And regardless of the implications of this I am enjoying my solitude.

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Sounds Like Class — Kevin Barrett’s Blog

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Love is content with the present, it hopes for the future, and it does not brood over the past. […]

via Sounds Like Class — Kevin Barrett’s Blog

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I Am A Mess

True I am an unmitigated mess:

I am only working part-time, but my bills are paid.

I am single again and I am loving dating with no strings.

I have written off my sons, and I am at peace with that.

I have hurt, but I am healing and that is one thing I always do.

I am creative once again, crocheting and reading and I am thankful for the time.

I am becoming healthier than I have been in years and I am feeling fantastic.

I am indulging myself instead of others, and I am deserving of that.

I am looking to the future and the past is just that, the past.

I may not be where I want to be and I know I will get there in time.

I am a mess and I am a content and happy mess !

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Desperate Times

Desperate times call for desperate measures!

And in my life these are desperate times to be sure. After much soul searching and observation I have come to the conclusion that I need a whole new mind-set and that is not something I am not ever going to get if I keep my life as it is now. I have “dropped” some friends from my life, actually most of them have been removed from social media sites also. I am not going to heal if I keep the scars open so time to close them for good. I am no longer drinking and not missing it, which quite frankly surprises me. I have had the same “friends” for a long time now, up to 20 years some of them and that is no longer the life I want. One that revolves around a little brown bottle. I am thankful finally for the year I had with M.S. because I was the happiest I had ever been. (But his life too centered around the bottle.)The fallout afterwards was the worst ever too. (Reality cannot live up to the fantasy) I am not interested in finding a man to spend my life with anymore nor the shallow acquaintances I called friendships for so long. The past is the past. I need more social outlets and I know this… and I know I can do this too. I just need to find my muse and ways to express myself in more positive times.

So I move on, first with the volunteering but after my shift tomorrow I am seeking out new and more productive contacts about town. I will start at the library as they have to resources I need for the research into building the life I want. I need to fill my life with positive energy! I need to find what makes me happy outside these 4 walls. I have my reading, crocheting and tv shows but I need to leave the house and fill my life again. Also fingers still crossed for a job in town soon!

So I guess this is just a catch-up note letting you all know that my healing is almost complete and these last few months that I have spent de-toxing my mind and body are paying off. And by filling the void with healthier options for my future it won’t be taking too much longer. I do realize that some days I am barely able to get out of bed, lack of sleep, and not eating right go a long way to holding me back. But I am going to eat better and am using guided imagery to assist with the insomnia, caused mostly by dreams of what if’s.  There-fore I need somewhere to go so I have the motivation to simply get dressed in the mornings. So wish me luck as although I know I can do this, a little luck never hurt anybody.

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I am fast becoming cold. Within one hour tonight I had 2 people call me for help and earlier another messaging me because he once again needs help with his computer, people who are not there for me but repeatedly call on me for help. I said NO to all of them and I surprisingly don’t feel the least bit guilty. I am so damned sick of this shit. I am sick, alone and tired, so tired. Fighting alone to get myself a life only to get dragged back down to look after someone else’s BS. Well sorry to say but I am going to be alone, lonely and selfish AND I am going to get my life back! So fuck anyone who doesn’t like that, it’s the way it has to be, finally I am truly looking after me and if that seems cold to you I am not sorry in the least. I have tried to be positive and rebuild my life but still let you keep me down….no more. I am living for ME. Deal with it ! If you want to be in my life GREAT ! But know it is give and take from here on in….not give and get shit on! I am praying I get this job I interviewed for last week and NO I am not dating in any shape or form…. not strong enough for that at this point… I just need to look after ME. And if I need to become COLD then so be it. Not sorry for this post in any way…. I need it and that is all that matters anymore. Would be a perfect world if those who took gave back but if I have learned anything these last months it is that it is NOT a perfect world, far from it and if I am to get anything I have to stop giving so much of myself to others. I need what little strength and energy I have for myself.

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