Maybe that should be “Secrets everyone knows about me that some people still try to use against me”, (yes people are ridiculous.)
1. Seven years ago I had a DUI
2. I was not the best mother, daughter or wife/partner
3. I have not achieved what “they” think I should have
4. I put up with way too much bullshit in my life
5. I have lied, stolen, gossiped and been disloyal to others
6. I’ve blamed others instead of taking responsibility
I cannot make up for any of these things I can only learn from them and move on. But I’ve learned to stop being bitter and playing the victim and I realize that each and every one of these experiences has made me stronger, more assertive, more tenacious and more determined to love my life as it is and the only person I can change is myself.
I’m not apologizing for any of these things simply stating a fact and moving on. I can’t control what others say and do or how they use their past experiences for themselves.
I love myself with all my failures and flaws, successes and achievements. I have came a long way in my 57 years and no one can take that away from me. So I’ll continue to move on with my life and leave others to do the same.
Alright I haven’t written for while but that may be because I’ve been thinking too much. About everything really, my health, my job, my relationship status, my friends and family.
But to start with my health, I am eating well again and a switch to whole grain as much as possible, I eat more vegetables especially greens and believe it or not every morning I eat oatmeal. I also have a treadmill that I am trying to use as much as possible. My last Dr. Appointment didn’t go so well as for the first time ever I am dealing with high blood pressure 170/110 to be exact and he fears borderline diabetes. I’ve also started using an E-cigarette most of the time and I’ve cut down two at the most ten cigarettes a day. You see the problem isn’t that I can’t do any of these things I need to its that I have no motivation to do them. I’m not sure where the lack of motivation is coming from although I tend to blame lethargy I know that isn’t true because my want to do something I have tons of energy. So back to the Dr. today and more on that later.
My job for the most part is great I work Saturday 13 hours, Sunday 12 hours and Monday 6 hours, in the last month however I’ve worked a lot more than one week due to the regular weekday dispatcher who is also my roommate having to go look after his mom after surgery and then last week due to the call center screwing up too much so the boss called me to work dispatch. The job can be very frustrating, if it’s not complaining passengers it’s whiny, immature drivers. Driving taxi is never going to make you a millionaire but I agree that you should be able to make a living wage. The issue I have with this is that most of those complaining aren’t willing to work the hours or do the calls that are going to make from a decent wage. There is a drivers’ meeting this week so we’ll see what’s gonna happen.
My relationship status is still single and it’s not going to change anytime soon but that’s my choice. I date and I meet new people that really don’t impress me much. If and when I decide to get in another relationship it’ll be with somebody that doesn’t interfere with my life. Rather it’ll be someone who enhances my life and allows me to continue doing the things that make me happy. I’m quite resolved to the fact that that may not happen and I’m OK with that. I do get lonely sometimes but a good movie, a long drive, or a good tv catch up are sure cure for that.
I have one true friend she’s been my friend for 15 years and have pretty much phased the others out. I no longer can put up with the drama, addictions, problems etc. that happen to these people every day. I do have a roommate as I mentioned he’s the daytime weekdays dispatcher work. He’s 55 and gay and becoming more acclimated to living with me as I am living of him. But I no longer speak with anyone in my family. I have stopped speaking to my brother and although I helped him immensely for about 6 yrs now but that is done and he is now with a very nice for girl that I spend time with shopping are going to lunch on a weekly basis. He is still drinking excessively and they were coming over once it twice a week for cards until about three weeks ago when he crossed his “mean line” as I call it an attack me verbally by saying I have never accomplished anything, I was a lousy mother, I have never and will never amount to anything etc. I ask him at that point to leave my house and it made it clear that he won’t be forgiven this time. My sisters as you know I haven’t spoken to in years, a couple of them on my face book but we never talk.
I made no new year’s resolutions the plan is on continuing with the self improvements I’ve been working on which I expect is a never ending adventure. I am happy, self reliant and content with what I have of my life now. I do however plan on returning to college next year just because I need to learn, I don’t know why but I have this need and after all I’m the only one that can change that. As a matter fact I’m the only one that can change anything so onwards and upwards.
Here is to a new year.
So the typical day for me is different during the week as I work 12-13 hr days Sat and Sun and a 6+ hr Monday. I sometimes work the other days when needed doing long courier runs or just catching up the orders.
So Tues, Wed, Thurs and Fri I get up, grab a coffee and play a few games of backgammon and wake up. Then on to feed the critters and change litter (fun fun). I do 20 minutes on the treadmill, whatever housework needs doing (usually not much at all) and head out shopping. Shopping is a daily thing on my days off as I love day-tripping to antique shops and find a lot of great treasures to brighten my home. Finding time to lunch with friends and/or taking them shopping with me is a must as we gotta keep up on the goings on you know.
I love to cook and bake so my late afternoons always smell fantastic! The guys at work appreciate my baking +++
On my work days it’s a little different, I still take care of the critters and do my 20 minutes but that and the work day is usually it. I am typically in bed by 7 as 4 a.m. comes early.
I do not celebrate Xmas or anything else for that matter so I am free to do what-ever I please on those days everyone else is tied down on. This year I choose to work Xmas day and will be dispatching New Years Eve too.
I love my alone time, reading, writing, crocheting or just catching up on favorite tv shows or Ted talks (a definite favorite) My room-mate works 6-3 Mon-Thurs and 6-4 Fri so I have plenty to do with the time to create for just for me.
I do appreciate the life I have made for myself and find that by cutting the users and drama queens from my life I am a lot calmer, happier and learning so much more about life on this planet.
Not sure where to go from here. I have been repairing a lot of damage done to myself over the last 57 years but some days still feel the scars. And that makes it hard even though I realize there may never be a day I don’t have some hurtful memory I am learning to live with them. Experience the moment and let it pass. Hoping to eventually master that skill.
Seriously I have a decent job that I like and a great place to live, a new car and a room-mate who is tolerable and I don’t really want for anything. I guess you could say my life is comfortable. But I want to be healthier and happier in my own skin. I have put on weight since I began eating properly (which was expected) unfortunately my exercising has not kept up so hence the inevitable outcome. I don’t obsess over body image at my age but do wish to look my best. And I am not at my best at the moment . I am making efforts, I purchased a treadmill, which I can enjoy while watching TV in the comfort of my own home. I get very bored with any of the exercise programs I have tried and there-for discontinue them rather quickly. I will pick up the treadmill next Thursday and will keep you abreast of the progress with that.
Other than this one failing all my other goals have been met. I am happier than I have ever been because I do not sit around brooding anymore. I have learned to not over-think and obsess over that which I cannot control and am getting to a lot more new and exciting places. I get lonely for the company of a man but to be honest really don’t want a partner at this time at all. I like being me and I lose that somehow when involved in a relationship.
I am concentrating on me and what I need day by day, whether that be a long drive to new destinations or cooking/baking wonderful things for my co-workers and friends I am doing exactly what I want to do every day now…not what is expected of me and just stating that makes me smile. My days are rather routine, up by 5 am shower, dress and head out (the destination is never the same except on work days) then home dinner and an early night with a good book or movie. And I like having a routine that works for me again.
So on with the journey and if anyone has any clues to help this 57 yr old, damaged piece of art please feel free to pass them along.
So I haven’t been here for quite some time and there are lots of reasons, or rather excuses that I can use for that. I could blame the new job, the loneliness or the lack the of motivation but the last excuse is probable the most fitting.
I have made a lot of promises to myself over the last couple of years and have kept very few of them. I have not gotten healthier, thinner or prettier. But I have become happier so that is something.
I am a more independent thinker now than I have ever been in my life. I no longer need to be part of a couple and am finding that I can exist solely on my own. I have left a lot of people by the wayside and that is a good thing, I have learned that my principles are important and so are my needs. That no longer includes enabling friends or family at the expense of myself.
What I need help with is doing all I need to do to get where I want to be. I need to be healthier and that means eating better and exercising more. That needs motivation and that is something I have never possessed. So will be spending time finding that with a lot of on-line research and soul searching. I know that I obviously don’t feel enough for myself to make it worth the effort. That is what I need, how to do that is another thing altogether.
So I suppose I start a new journey, hopefully one that ends more successfully than those of the past. If anyone has links or advice or really anything that could help pls share, I need all the help I can get.
So February began with a bout of bronchitis causing me to take a few days off to get better.
Then a couple of weeks ago I took a fall breaking my arm and orbital bone. Another 3 days off.
Now I have a stomach flu complete with vomiting, diarrhea, fever and chills. That means more days off.
This doubly sucks as I love the job not just the money. I just want to have my quiet little life back.
I have never in my life been injured/sick so much. I typically get bronchitis twice a year as I am a smoker. But I have not had a broken bone for some 25 years and I never get the flu. To top it off the fact that I am truly alone is fore-front on my mind….. sigh. This fact unfortunately is causing me to have to stave off my old enemy depression at a time when I am definitely at my weakest.
I will survive I know that but really??? Can it stop now?